Let me start this off by saying that I am not HIV positive, but I have thought a lot about this subject. I've been living with the thought of it for a while now. I've had fucking dreams of the HIV happily swimming around in my blood stream. I've gone through periods of grief and guilt for all the that I have "infected". To everyone else I look normal, but inside I am screaming...inside I really, really feel like I have this disease....(please keep reading:)
It wouldn't be a shock to me if I did. I started doing drugs when I was 13...you know just smoking pot, occasionally some cocaine. I wasn't having sex yet. I listened to a lot of rock & roll like Janis Joplin, Jimi Hendrix...a lot of drug users; heroin abusers. I saw images of these people shooting up and I always thought it was disgusting, never something that I would do.
Well so I turned 14 and I met this guy. I really liked him. I hung out with him all the time and I met all of his friends and started hanging out with them too. Within that year I lost my virginity and started using Meth. I always thought about pregnancy...AIDS was just a fairy tale, something that couldn't possibly happen to me....I was 14 and invincible, HIV never entered my mind. It never entered my mind even when I started shooting up. I was 15 and hanging out with men half my age, and we used the same needles. All that I was thinking about was my next hit. Well about a month after I started slamming, I was arrested and sent to a juvenile hall facility, where they tested my blood for HIV and hep C. Both testes were negative....YAY. I carried on with my life and didn't think twice about it. I had 5 sexual relations...and they with their lovers and than they with there's (domino effect??) before I even thought about getting another test done. Did a few more drugs (no longer shooting up), went to a few more institutions, had a couple more tests done; negative.
So my last relationship, somehow this thought grabbed a hold of me. "what if I have AIDS??"
I put it off and kept putting it off...I did some more meth and kept putting it off. I thought of the men I shot up with. I didn't know what their pasts were like...I didn't know how many woman they've slept with. I didn't really KNOW who they were, I just did drugs with them and talked about my dead, beloved rock stars. I always saw those images and thought it was sickening, and than I started doing it and that sickening image was erased. I loved slamming!!!!
Well last summer, while on another meth binge, one of those men called me out of the blue. A 34 yr.old man who I did drugs with was trying to get a hold of me...and for what fucking reason, I have no idea. AIDS still hadn't entered my mind yet. I had made plans to meet up with him, but a week later I was arrested again. I got another test which I didn't get results for, I thought well than there is nothing I need to worry about because they would have told me if I had it.
A year later I got out of rehab for the 3rd time, and started dating an ex (last relationship). Thats when all this "thinking" started. He would make comments about some of my lovers...saying that they had herpes. umm that he had killed (or very badly beat the shit out of) the man I shot up with. umm he kept saying "lets go get tested, lets go get tested". He would write negative poems about death, learn songs like "only the good die young" and he would just bring it up out of nowhere. I kept putting it off, putting it off.
Christmas came and we decide to go home for the holidays. I felt like the whole world was staring at me and shaking thier heads in disgrace....gawking as I walked by.(I live in a small town) So I'm hanging out with friends when I start hearing things. By now I'm suspecting that it's AIDS. My boyfriend gets arrested. I do some more meth. I'm not having a good time. I think theres this BIG secret that everyone is trying to keep me from finding out, because I'm a good hearted person and the thought of me killing other people would drive me crazy. So I'm all twacked out and sitting in my living room, when I hear from my across the street, my best friend say "she just found out she has AIDS"
The shock washed over me like icy cold water and a few minutes later I was pucking up stoumach acids all over my floor, crying like I have never cried before....I couldn't breathe. I remember I kept yelling " all those people, all those people", "How could I have done this" Clinging to my mother who didn't know what was going on "why would God do such a thing??"
As soon as I got home I went for a test. Waiting those 2 weeks was the most nerve racking expierience I have ever been through. I went in and they told me....negative. I was so happy I think I cried.
So I went another 2 months before I started noticing some more wierd shit...the thought was back!
I fucking yelled at the people in the clinic, accusing them of lieing to me about my status...went and got another test done at another clinic, it too came out negative.
You would think by now there is nothing wrong with me...but my mind believes that there is. I came down with a lot of the symptoms...sore throat...hacking cough...swollen lymph nodes...rashes...I mean it just goes on.
It's there when I wake up, when I get a cut, when I get my fucking period I'm like "oop there's AIDS down there" It's been like this for 9 months now. I don't know what to do...and everyone is lying to me anyways, so therefore the tests are lies too. I'm a young, beautiful girl who has AIDS. So everyday I wait for someone to reveal my deepest darkest fear.
Yesterday I found this site and I read a lot of the stories and I was crying and wondering why God would do this to such beautiful people. Young, with everything to live for, people. I know what it feels like to have your whole world fall from your hands...all your hopes and dreams just gone in an instant. To feel like there is this huge sign above your head identifying who you are, and everyone is staring at you and you feel like your a million light years away from everyone you love. and you don't want thier fucking pity...you just want to be normal, and do normal things and it fucking kills you that you can't. And your gonna die anyways so you might as well end it yourself.
My heart goes out to everyone who has to deal with the thought of thier mortality. Who KNOW how they are going out. I fucking FEEL you. I can't imagine having hope with AIDS. But I guess you kind of have to, to survive this huh??
I'm so glad this site is here, because you need to know you are NOT alone, I know it may feel like it, but your not.
I'm sorry I wrote a book...I just have to say this!!! I hope this helps, and if not than at least it's helped me.
God Bless all you people!!!!!!! My prayers and hopes go out to every single one of you and in hopes of finding a cure to this devastating disease.
I LOVE YOU!!!!!!!!!!! just know that people LOVE you and we are here for you!!!
p.s. wear a condom everybody and use your OWN point if you have to slam it!!
Sent via Email July 12, 2006 from California, USA.