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Scared to talk

I am very glad to know that there are people who talk about their status as if its nobody's business, well I can't do it. Its been a year since I have discovered that I am HIV positive but my mom and dad do know that. I am very scared to talk about it. I went for the test alone after developing some swollen glands, the Dr told me that am positive. I couldn't eat nor talk. I ask my boyfriend to go for a test but I was scared to tell him that am positive. I decided to take him with me so we can do the test togather. He was negative and he told me that he still loves me but I couldn't believe that since I was confused. He went back for the test after 3months and he was negative. I was realy not comfortable with him around because it was hard to believe that he still loves me. After a week (from the 3months) he got a call from the dr telling him that he is positive. Hey I freaked out because I couldn't understand how come he is positive now. Knowing that he is positive he started to blame me of infecting him because I had told him that before he came I had a boyfriend not that he didn't have girlfriends, he did but I am the one who was found positive first. He would just freak when he sees me saying hi to a guy. So I ended up not talking to guys. He would just get angry at me always. After 3months I asked him to go for another test, he didn't want but he ended up going there only to find out that he is negative again (got tested by the same Dr). What happened realy I do not know anyway Iam so happy for him because now he doesn't get angry at me any more. he is happy , amnot and I wish I can get some to talk to, someone who knows how I feel right now because my life is just sour. I have been trying to be happy, I go to work and come back home happy, i read books, wacth movies but there is that emptyness inside me, I wish I can just sleep and wake up in the morning negative. I dont have any symptoms which shows that am HIV, am even gaining weight a bit and I dont take any medication. The only problem is am stressed out how can I fight it?. Any one who wants to send me an e-mail can just sent it so that we can just talk may be I can be healed.

Editor - apologies, email given to site has bounced.

 

Sent via Email, December 29, 2004 from Swaziland.

 
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