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Deapest Fears

What I am about to write is my deepest fears that I have not discussed with anyone, but it somehow feels like a weight is being lifted off my shoulders by writing it out aloud and putting it on this site.


I am an 18 year old girl. I used to be intellegent, good in school, and I come from a good family. Then when I was 16, I started experimenting with alcohol and drugs, and 2 years later I woke up from this big daze of turmoil and shame. I had slept with about 20 people (many unprotected), had been off my face for most of the time, and there were so many things I still to this day, feel so shameful of when I think about it. My friends always stuck by me, especially when I became pregnant, unknown by the 2 people I love most in this world - my parents. If they knew what has happened these past two years, it would shatter their world and everything they have come to depend on as reality.


So this year I moved away to live with my uncle. I have not had sex at all this year, and have straightened myself up and gotten on with life. I am glad to be out of the nightmare, but it still preys upon me and I know i will need to have counselling when I am older. I'm at uni now, studying to be a psychologist.


But still plaguing me is the fact that I could possibly have HIV. Some days I wake up and think it will be okay to go and get a test and just get it over with, but then I think about having to deal with the reality of actually being told my results came up positive. I just can't bring myself to do it. What would I tell my parents? How would I go about letting all those guys I slept with know that they too could possibly be infected, and possibly by me?


I pray that some day i will work up the courage to find out for sure my HIV status. Until then, I live with the small knot of fear way down in the pit of my stomach.



Sent via email September 2002, Australia

 
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