I am about to write is my deepest fears that I have not discussed with anyone,
but it somehow feels like a weight is being lifted off my shoulders by writing
it out aloud and putting it on this site.
I am an 18 year old girl. I used to be intellegent, good in school, and
I come from a good family. Then when I was 16, I started experimenting with
alcohol and drugs, and 2 years later I woke up from this big daze of turmoil
and shame. I had slept with about 20 people (many unprotected), had been
off my face for most of the time, and there were so many things I still
to this day, feel so shameful of when I think about it. My friends always
stuck by me, especially when I became pregnant, unknown by the 2 people
I love most in this world - my parents. If they knew what has happened these
past two years, it would shatter their world and everything they have come
to depend on as reality.
So this year I moved away to live with my uncle. I have not had sex at all
this year, and have straightened myself up and gotten on with life. I am
glad to be out of the nightmare, but it still preys upon me and I know i
will need to have counselling when I am older. I'm at uni now, studying
to be a psychologist.
But still plaguing me is the fact that I could possibly have HIV. Some days
I wake up and think it will be okay to go and get a test and just get it
over with, but then I think about having to deal with the reality of actually
being told my results came up positive. I just can't bring myself to do
it. What would I tell my parents? How would I go about letting all those
guys I slept with know that they too could possibly be infected, and possibly
I pray that some day i will work up the courage to find out for sure my
HIV status. Until then, I live with the small knot of fear way down in the
pit of my stomach.
Sent via email September 2002, Australia